This article talks about Peter McGraw’s TEDxBoulder talk, where he challenges the idea that everyone needs to get married to be happy. He argues that single life is a valid and fulfilling path, not just a waiting room for marriage. McGraw, a lifelong bachelor, shares his views on why society should accept and celebrate single people, just as it does married people. He also points out the many advantages married people have that single people don’t.
The Solo Movement
Peter McGraw, a professor at CU Boulder, started what he calls the “solo movement” 20 years ago. He threw himself a bachelor party, even though he wasn’t getting married. He wondered why married people got to have all the fun. This led him to realize that being single can be a celebrated path, not just something to tolerate. It’s a different way to live a remarkable life.
In 1960, most adults in the U.S. got married. Now, 50% of adults are unmarried. It’s expected that 25% of millennials will never marry. Even with these numbers, society still seems set up for couples. Married people get over 1,000 legal benefits that single people don’t, like tax breaks and Social Security benefits. Single people often have to pay for things themselves that married couples might share or get discounts on.
Challenging the "Get Married" Idea
Many people, like the famous "Aunt Sally," often ask single people if they have a "special someone." Lately, some media voices have gone further, pushing the idea that everyone should "get married." There’s even a book called "Get Married." These advocates often use data showing that married people report being happier than single people. They conclude that getting married makes you happy and even helps society.
However, McGraw points out that this data is often misunderstood. He says that people who get married are often already a bit happier to begin with. There might be a short "wedding-day bump" in happiness, but it doesn’t last. He also notes that the happiest places on Earth, like Scandinavia, have many single people. He suggests that the rise of single people isn’t a problem, but a sign of progress, especially for women.
A Look at History and Progress
Historically, marriage was often about business deals, especially in tough farming times. Women were often treated like property. But today, marriage is more about love and is becoming more of a choice. The increase in single people is linked to the rise of women’s independence.
- The invention of the spinning wheel allowed "spinsters" to earn their own money and avoid being controlled by men.
- Birth control and more chances for education and jobs have given women more choices.
Today’s "cat ladies" and "spinsters" are not just old maids; they are pioneers of independence. More people are living alone, especially in cities, thanks to urbanization and home appliances that make independent living easier. Countries like Sweden, known for gender equality, have many single people living full, connected lives.
What to Tell Single People
Instead of telling single people to get married, McGraw suggests a few things:
Key Takeaways
- Expand the idea of "significant other": This term should include family and close friends, not just romantic partners. Science shows that social connections in general lead to life satisfaction. McGraw himself has "significant others" in his life, like his friends and chosen family.
- Support policies for single people: Countries like Sweden have social safety nets that support individuals, not just couples. This includes things like universal healthcare, affordable education, and childcare, without needing a spouse.
- Treat single living as equal to married living: Single life is not better or worse, just a different path with chances to live a remarkable life. McGraw says he used to think something was wrong with him for not wanting to get married. But he realized he is "wholehearted" and complete on his own, with a good life, meaningful work, and strong friendships.
There isn’t just one way to live a remarkable life. The "solo movement" welcomes everyone: those who have never married, are divorced, separated, or widowed. The future is about having choices, not being told what to do. It’s about celebrating both the choice to settle down and the choice to go solo.
